I have made my bed in hell.
Because it would mean I couldn't think of anyone besides myself.
Because it would mean I had failed.
Because it would mean at my core I must be
too much to handle.
I remember that girl so vividly. She was anxious as all hell, desperately clinging for answers and trying to "good student" her way into a passionate relationship. Filling out forms and praying, trying to fix it. Terrified to ask questions about
what she wanted.
what would feel good.
what kind of relationship SHE craved.
Fast forward to just a few years later
and I'm no longer afraid of those questions, or any questions. In fact, I'm no longer afraid of my body, my hunger, my desire, or of the vulnerability that comes from a real romance.
I see now something I didn't see before:
that girl was terrified of getting what she claimed she wanted.
A man who wanted her, for real.
(Terrifying. What if he finds out who I really am? He'll head for the hills.)
A relationship where we shared our biggest wants & deepest fears.
(WTF. That's way too scary.)
A sense of self that can withstand any breakup, any breakthrough, any breakdown, because it doesn't come from the outside, it comes from a deep, passionate inner core.
In between, I tried it all. I left my marriage in a blazing, messy fire. (Not necessarily what I recommend.) I rebuilt my life piece by piece, uncovering who I was and what I wanted, with the help of heart-healing tools, boudoir photos, and a lot of time journaling.
The thought that that girl from so many years ago would someday be so at ease in her skin that she would be modeling in lingerie for photographer friends?
But, once we begin to strip away our shame, fear, and baggage...
Once we start the work of uncovering our passion,
Radiant. Sexy. Whole. Free.
I met the love of my life, yes.
But, more importantly,
I became someone that I loved.
That girl who was so longing for the rulebook, for the answers, so afraid to make her bed in hell? She is still deeply connected to God, deeply longing not to hurt anyone, and eager to take notes... but, she also grew up: into a woman who knows herself, and isn't afraid.
And that's what made real love, the kind I had always wanted, possible.