I remember my 40th birthday, when I felt I had it all. At the elaborate party I was throwing myself, I was so happy, my only wish was for my life to stay exactly like this forever. Of course, we all know that’s the point where the music comes to a screeching halt and the story changes course.  

Less than a year later, as I found myself broken-hearted and boxing up my life (again!), my mind went from that amazing birthday bash where everything had still been perfect to a conversation soon after, where I told my girlfriends, If I died tomorrow, I wouldn’t have fulfilled my purpose in life. Sounded like things hadn’t been that perfect after all.

I had ignored that sentiment for several months, but now it was back and not going anywhere. Not exactly a rock bottom moment, but a turning point nevertheless.

I had no idea what my purpose was, so I did what I always do: I made a list. This one included getting a dog, changing hair color, writing another novel, training as a coach, moving back to the US, and a couple of other things I can’t recall. All very helpful purpose-finding exercises, I figured.

You may find this list a bit much. But long lists are my comfort zone, as is massive action. So I did most of it within the next two years (getting a dog took a little longer). 

I turned my entire life upside down – and found that change does not necessarily equal growth, especially not if you are a change embracer like I am 

Truly learning this lesson required me to go through burnout and depression. Through two years feeling like stuck in quicksand, constantly exhausted, often crying, unable to pinpoint why I was so unhappy, and unwilling to talk about it.

Instead, I did my comfort zone thing: I made a list, this one summarizing 27 recommendations what to do to feel better. 

I went into massive action – and did them all.

It did not work.

What worked, and what led me where I am today – not running from my life but embracing it – was facing up to the fact that I needed help, and rest. I got myself help, and I am working on giving myself more rest. (Still struggling with that one, though.)

But along the way, I’ve learned that I am indeed a woman who has it all. Not in the way I felt on that birthday night years ago. But all as in all the feelings, all the responsibility, all the choices. It’s a lot messier than my old life, but I’ve come to love it. And I don’t even need a list for it.

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She’s one of Go Love Yourself's featured coaches for May!